FEAR

After having Ava I have come to realize that I am much more afraid of dying. Just the thought that one day something catastrophic can happen to me, and just like that my little girl is without her mommy. I've become very irrational with my fears. Just yesterday our ceiling started leaking in the middle of the living room downstairs. Our bathroom is not even above that leak, and yet when I was in the shower up stairs I started thinking that the floor was going to fall through.
I work at a movie theatre, and although it's true that someone can go somewhere at any time they choose and shoot everyone, after the shooting at The Dark Knight Rises I am so afraid of that happening while I'm at work. My mind is constantly planning exit strategies. And I'm no longer fearing for my life, I just don't want to miss out on hers.
Although sometimes I wish I can just forget all of that and just live my life normally, I'm afraid I can't. Haha I'm not sure if this is specific to me, or if this is something that all mothers think about. I mean I know all moms are afraid of things that can happen to their little one. I know everytime Ava gets in a car with someone without me I pray she gets where she's going safely. But as annoying as it is it kind of makes me feel closer to her. I care about her so much, my everyday life is changed forever. I can't do anything the same as I used to. And even though I consider it a nagging voice in the back of my head, it's the good kind of nagging. Like your mom telling you to wear your shoes outside, she's nagging because she loves you and wants you safe. My inner nagging wants me safe, because it too wants to watch Ava grow up and see what she can become.